During moments in the past few weeks, and on certain occasions before hand, it has been as if I am outside of myself, in a situation but outside of it, contemplating it whilst it is happening. Observing it, and then responding from back within it, in a different manner than I would have responded to it, if I had of been unconscious of Gods presence. This doesn’t make anything contrived about my response, because the inside and the outside of the situations were happening simultaneously to each-other.
The humiliation and the humility were simultaneous to each-other too. My passive response which by its very passive nature was absolutely active in its submission (when at the height of my being) was not passive to the person being dominant, but to God, whom I was consciously in commune with. The passive response to the situation was a herald of Truth to the other party. At one point I was not at the height of my being, and my response was at best a polemic accurate accusation in anger, but then retreating in prayer I was held in my Truth with the strength and conviction and protection of God.
It was most amazing to trust Him so fully, to feel His hold so securely, and His presence so guidingly, when usually my nature would be reactive to any given situation instead I felt Him working through me. I was surprised to say the least by my own calmness in such a hostile and nuclear situation, and then this week I came across this saying ‘anger is one letter short of danger’.
The same happened again at university on Saturday afternoon when we brushed over the topic of Christology, my lecturer was talking about the beautiful nature of Christ and the qualities that He possessed, and the authority of His Love and humility with which He carried out His public ministry, and I was passively silent and in my passive silence God allowed a single tear to well up and burst forth from my left eye and bleed salt water down my cheek, no sound, no nothing, just spilled salt. And my tutor looked right at it, and God spoke.
Yesterdays reading in Church spoke to me, Jesus did not condemn the allegedly adulterous woman, and in the end others could not condemn her either because of their own sins committed. She was free to go and sin no more. The reading spoke to me a thousand decibels, because to be banished from your Cathedral and therefore from receiving the sacrament of Holy Communion at the mother temple, is still to be a woman condemned. I always knew that God made me a temple of spiritual communion for a reason, I was just unsure why. And now I know He did it for Love.
Todays reading also spoke to me in clashing cymbal decibels. Daniel 13;1-9, 15-17, 19-30.
As I walked up Kensington Church Street on Saturday afternoon after my lecture and after some time in the chapel with the Lord, I felt outside of the life which I was walking in. Like He was choosing to reside in me, and I was choosing to reside in Him, together as One. It was like I wasn’t walking at all, but was slightly transcendent of the pavement, which all sounds very conceited, but it wasnt. I felt full of goodness and light as a feather, and my yoke was light, and it was as if that feeling illuminated, poured and radiated out of my very being to everyone around, nothing mattered at all. I was wearing what looks like a handmade brown wool Franciscans peasant blanket, wrapped around me (which I acquired before Pope Francis was elected). It is very unimpressive, and yet I felt beautiful and eternal and radiant, and not tired, or hurting, or haggard, or purposefully and cruelly broken like I have been feeling of late, but alive, and full of Love, and full of Him.
And then in my sanctuary what comes to mind whilst writing this blog-post is this;
Matthew 10;5-15; Mark 6:7-13
‘Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases. And he sent them to preach the kingdom of God, and to heal the sick. And he said unto them, Take nothing for your journey, neither staves, nor scrip, neither bread, neither money; neither have two coats apiece. And whatsoever house ye enter into, there abide, and thence depart. And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a testimony against them. And they departed, and went through the towns, preaching the gospel, and healing every where.
‘The Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be slain, and be raised the third day.’
Matthew 16;13-20; Mark8;27-30; John 6:66-71
‘And it came to pass, as he was alone praying, his disciples were with him: and he asked them, saying, Whom say the people that I am? They answering said, John the Baptist; but some say, Elias; and others say, that one of the old prophets is risen again. He said unto them,
‘But whom say ye that I am?’