I am on a wonder fuelled and very frightening journey. I am having to be very trusting, very honest, and very open, whilst feeling very blind, very cautious, and very vulnerable. Sensitive. Exposed on an unfamiliar level. Not an easy combination. Even for me, who finds it so easy to be expressive. My sense of perception is extremely heightened as if operating in extreme danger/Love. (I am more than familiar with the clarity of that feeling) On days I feel intensely courageous, on days I don’t. And yet in Truth I feel all strength and wonder.
I am very alone and yet fully aware of the many loving and good people I have supporting me. I am fully aware of my delicate, combustible, situation and yet I feel wholly secure. I am fully aware of the Prayers which are heaven bound in my name, to which I probably feel completely unworthy of. I have a warm home, beautiful children, and my children have a good father, a husband that wants to be the kind of husband he is.
I have a strong Faith. One that feels so strong on days, that I feel, if I were ever to be offered the blessing and Grace of being received in to my Beloved Catholic Church, I could almost refuse upon principle. Jesus has already received me, what a strong Faith to believe that no other receiving could ever exceed my Beloved’s One. Who needs another.
The clarity as each revelation presents itself, is diamond sharp. The crystal clearness of sheer clarity is pure Peace. I am fully aware of my inspirations, of my knowingly eschatological purpose, and of my personal motivations. I can see from both up close and personal, and then as if through a lens in a film, I can see with great perspective.
Each philosophical stepping stone is the one that I know for sure I am supposed to be stepping upon, a little like the crystal maze on T.V. You step on the wrong crystal stone and it suddenly diminishes into oblivion, but if you step on the correct crystal stone it guides you safely on to the next. Without wanting to, I can feel the energy. The energy which is not present when I step on the wrong stone. And yet they all seem to be heading away from the place that I have spent my life trying to create, trying to build.
And so too, none of them appear to be heading towards the place from which I know God has been leading me, the place to which I will forever and ever, truly belong. The sole place to which I am God Willing to be led. The Truth so God centred within me, is my every authentic God felt response…….. to the Love so deeply bestowed within, to which I am meld, united and inseparable. The place where in all my Faith, Hope, Charity and Love, I know is my earthly and eternal destiny. Yet I feel as if I am being led on a wild-goose-chase. Unless the end be also the beginning.
Just as I can feel through my prayers, and the very pores of my skin, the deepest prayers, support and Love, of others whom physically know me, I can also feel from the odd unknowing person a contradictory cynicism, so questioning and powerful, that it is hard not to let the negative vibe penetrate my shell. Unnecessarily adding to this already painful, exhausting and amazing time.
Not doing things by half, wanting to fully understand my intuition, I Look up the niggling word.
Adjective: Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or self-interest/Distrustful of human sincerity or integrity. Skeptical of the motives of others./Selfishly or callously calculating/Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness/Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity/Doubtful of whether something will happen or is worthwhile/distrustful or contemptuous of virtue/Sarcastic or mocking.
It doesn’t look familiar to me.
When I looked up the above contemporary word cynical, which I know represents the harmless subtle subconscious hostility, (which I rarely but occasionally have intuitively felt from outside) I was directed to the historical cynicism below, I was amused and enlightened at my discovery.
A statue of an unknown Cynic philosopher from the Capotoline Museum in Rome. This statue is a Roman-era copy of an earlier Greek statue from the 3rd century BCE. The scroll in his right hand is an 18th century restoration.
“Philosophy………. puts a smile on my face”