The six miles spiritual v physical dog walk on days feels sublimely articulate, sharply defined and easy, where thoughts flow in and out, as the steady pulse of cars hypnotically pass, like rosary beads slipping through obedient disciplined fingers. Light-footed and clarity of mind. Hail Mary full of Grace, The Lord is with Thee. Straight down the line. Breath that oxygenates my whole being. Alive. Free. Energized. Revitalized.
Today however was different. Today was tough. Right from the outset the music couldnt settle into a pleasing rhythm, the rhythm of my stride couldnt align itself with the right music. My shoelace isn’t right, the hair wont stay tightly tied. The dogs lead becomes a chain metaphorical. Michael Nyman’s The Piano fights to drown out any overbearing distractions, like cars which today act as sirens, which alarm me self-consciously to my emotions, which are refusing to be subdued. The tears betray the hidden angst, the eyes are a give away. But its only for a split second that the drivers might glimpse the glacial pain, and for a second longer they may carry it with their thundering hulks of metal, up the road where the approaching roundabout brings them into appropriate focus. Dog walker….walking dog….disolved.
But then off the beaten track, emotions eloquently unfurl. Nature doesn’t mind the raw unrestrained dignified savage bleeding cry of nature. Which is just as well, cutting so deep, it can not be contained. He opens me whole, releases it from me, every last drop of stabbing pain. Empties me of myself, diffuses the conflicting and incriminating words that try to rape me into believing ‘that we can only come to a fully mature view of Love by renouncing our own’, and that by physically and intimately Loving my Beloved would be ‘an obex to recovery’.
He leads me into a transcendent place where through the hurting I can see…….. Him residing in All things…..in grief, in pain, in death, in joy, in hope, in the broken fractured heartedness of life, in the swaying stroking green boughs and whispering branches that so gracefully bless my immediate vision. In celibacy…. and in the ennobling beauty of Sacred intimate physical and spiritual Love.
He leads me to a Heaven so sweet where gentle God so tender, allows me to be in Him and Him in me. Completely.