A Solitary Peace
I like myself. I like my intentions.
I have met myself when I am in a raw state, stripped away of all of life (other than survival). I liked me, the core of me, what was left of me. When everything else was stripped away.
When my son almost died and my daughter was seriously ill, I was stripped to within the very depths of who I am. The most basic level of being. No faith (beyond faith) (beyond hope). Suspended. Levitating in a beyond desperate, beyond broken but somehow buoyant existence of complete focus on the undistracted fully present living pain of this immediate moment. The now.
And when my dearest dear daddy died and I was holding his hand and he breathed from my world to the next, nothing about myself felt weak or frail or wrong or bad, only good. And I was left being half of what he had given me, half of what he had made me. And I had loved with all of me who I had come from. Not just the person carved out by a hard graft of a life. Not the sometimes tired person but all of him, the very core of him. His very essence. His very being. His very origin.
And in these moments I found God.
Not perceiving me wrongly. Not misunderstanding me. Not reacting to me. Not changing me from what I am. Not causing me frustration. Not complicating me. Not controlling me. Not oppressing me. Just simply letting me be……Love.
I don’t always truly believe that we are truly 100 % us. We are almost a by-product of situations and daily occurrences and our reaction and our mechanism for dealing with these daily interactions shapes us. Unfortunately sometimes more than I would want it to. We become an effigy of others cynicism and prejudice. Sadly just as it was for Jesus, even in our Love.
All we can do is keep on loving.
Thank God He is all-seeing.
After a difficult day of communication my children are forever forgiving, accepting, unnoticing, and unconditionally loving, and there’s an easy acceptance and peace which we all breathe and live and feel, we can learn so very much from our children, “for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these”. But by the end of a difficult days wrong or non-communication with others, I feel like hiding in the deepest darkest depths of the moon and only venturing out of my inner sanctum once in a blue.
Not when I am blue.