Between a rock and a hard place.
At certain times of the month to be in my position is to be . . . . . words can not describe.
Screaming for as long and as loud as is humanly possible, until the scream no longer resembles a human but an animal, may begin to paint the picture in the correct colours, and portray a little of my frustration. To scream all the swear words under the sun might relieve a little tension, but I very much doubt it. And yet my life is touched with much Beauty as well as all the frustrations.
I am in a second marriage which has to be chaste if I want to continue to receive the Eucharist (and be True), which of course I do. Once a friend of mine said that she prefered to have a personal blessing. She was quite envious of me after she had been received into the church and I had not, for I still received my lovely warm personal blessing from the priest, and she did not.
So I was expecting to feel the same bereft sadness at loosing my blessing, when I was finally received into Full Communion with Rome. Only that isn’t the case. Now that I have received the beauty of the Eucharist, I want to receive It everyday. And when I can’t I miss It dreadfully. It fills me with a depth, and a warmth, and a charge that deeply and intimately nourishes and stills me, and re-charges all parts of me at once. Inseminated by His spirit. Why would anyone miss a blessing, when in the Eucharist they are blessed with such intimate, physical and spiritual nourishment. Why would anyone want to go without it once they knew.
There too, is a Loved one which I am deprived of being in human contact with. Life is so short. To be deprived of human contact, of Loving kindness and physical friendship with the person we Love, whilst we are upon the same Earth together is an eternal crucifixion. A crucifixion that can not be relieved nor alleviated, neither can it find consolation even after receiving the Eucharist. It is torture to have the gift of life, of health, and of Love, and yet to be deprived of a dearest Loved one. On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Severed so, By mans utter failingness to comprehend the breadth and depths of God’s Love.
I had previously wrote that I am a young woman, on reflection however I am no longer young. I am a 42-year-old woman, who wants to spend her life sharing God in her faith, in her friendships, and in Love. Lives touching, accompanying, sharing, talking, laughing, being and spending at least a little time together. For what is it to reach out and heal your enemy with Loving kindness, when you can not reach out to your dearest. If we are unluckier still, we may find that even when the opportunity arises, man has made such a hash of things, that anything which was beautiful and pure may have been thwarted, corroded, dismantled or destroyed.
But God is not of such devastating destruction, He has no place in it.
God is God who is Love. Where ever I am, and when I go to church I feel His Love. I feel Him touch me. I feel Him holding me close and never letting me go. And I hear Him urging me to keep on being Love and Truth.
Today’s First Reading
It is the Lord who speaks:
I am going to lure her
and lead her out into the wilderness
and speak to her heart.
I am going to give her back her vineyards,
and make the Valley of Achor a gateway of hope.
There she will respond to me as she did when she was young,
as she did when she came out of the land of Egypt.
When that day comes – it is the Lord who speaks –
she will call me, ‘My husband’,
no longer will she call me, ‘My Baal.’
I will betroth you to myself for ever,
betroth you with integrity and justice,
with tenderness and love;
I will betroth you to myself with faithfulness,
and you will come to know the Lord.